Wait for Now/Leave the World by Cinematic Orchestra
The quiet moments. The 3am feed when it feels like the whole world is asleep. The naps he takes upstairs where I get a moment to be. The singing him to sleep in a rocking chair while feeling him softly breathe.
Yes, there is a chaos to bringing a child into the world. There is so much discourse about sleepless nights, the endless feeds, the crazy amount of diapers, and the changes babies bring to your life... Your world as you knew it is completely upended. So many things that I focused on before M. was born are not what I think about anymore. One of the first new thoughts? I'm a mother.
The quiet...those of us who stay at home in the beginning experience a profound quiet. I am faced with an internal world and inner landscape that I have not had access to in a while. Part of it is exceptionally gorgeous; the ability to go deep into one's thoughts, the ability to reflect on the past, and to think about this future that seems so very possible. And part of it can be so full of fear and self-doubt. Who am I now? Will I be a good enough parent? Will I be able to do something as fulfilling in my career? How on earth do we raise a child in this context? The quiet moments can spark something in us and show us light. These very moments can also lead to a paralysis because of the persistent narratives we tell ourselves.
It has been a journey since becoming a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love this new role in so many different ways. I love how M. literally smiles at us every morning when he wakes up. I love how I can love in such a new way. I've also been so incredibly inspired and moved by tiny moments. Just two weeks ago, M. stared at his toes for a good fifteen minutes while I held him. This week, my husband and I worked together in the middle of the night to put M. to sleep every couple of hours (four month regression is real, y'all!).
At the same time, I have felt so muddy at moments, confused as one identity has been shed for a new one. Worried about the unpredictable nature of each day. Trying to get used to all the new details in my brain about how to keep this baby boy happy, well-fed and rested.
I notice when I get to fully participate and be present in the growth of M., my heart glows brightly. For Jane the Virgin fans, I think you know what I mean;) I get to witness the spectacular development of a human being from birth onwards. What a profound miracle. I also notice when I try to perfect and create plans for my own life, I get humbled real quick by M. It's like he's forcing me to reinvent myself and think outside of the box for this next part of life. The power will be if I can just believe even though there is no clear path right now.
The Cinematic Orchestra has moved me for several years. The choice of instrumentation and the mixture of genres has allowed me to be inspired, to be introspective. I appreciate music that has the ability to make us go inside for a while. 'To Build a Home' is the classic song. The one that takes me far away.
I've listened to the track, 'Wait for Now/Leave the World' several times, but it was yesterday in one of those quiet moments where I rocked M. to sleep and finally heard the lyrics for the first time.
"Walk with me
Lead me to the light
Show me where to go
Cause I need your council, give me strength so I can be"
And in the soft light of our upstairs nursery, I heard a prayer as I listened to these words. I envisioned a person humbling themselves to a larger purpose so that they could see a truth in the silence. So beautiful.
I've been taking a woman's leadership course for the last couple of months and we have talked extensively about our inner mentor, the mentor inside of us (call it the Universe, God, our best selves) that helps us to grow. This idea of having my inner mentor lead me to the light couldn't be a more perfect image....in motherhood, in life.... This inner essence that gives us the strength to see what is possible in front of us, to see what is in front of us right now instead of giving in the reins to fear.
I'm so grateful for these quiet moments, as hard as some of them have been. They have given me truth and have forced me to discover what truly is a meaningful life. In a guided meditation recently, I discovered that I was excited about being tasked with the incredible purpose of raising M. to be a compassionate kid.
In this song, I find hope in the present and in words I know I can turn back to consistently. I'm so grateful for M., for our new family, and for these quiet moments...when I can feel deeply about the unknown & the beautiful at the same time. Where I can be shown where to go, where I can be lead to the light.
Wait for Now/Leave the World
Yes, there is a chaos to bringing a child into the world. There is so much discourse about sleepless nights, the endless feeds, the crazy amount of diapers, and the changes babies bring to your life... Your world as you knew it is completely upended. So many things that I focused on before M. was born are not what I think about anymore. One of the first new thoughts? I'm a mother.
The quiet...those of us who stay at home in the beginning experience a profound quiet. I am faced with an internal world and inner landscape that I have not had access to in a while. Part of it is exceptionally gorgeous; the ability to go deep into one's thoughts, the ability to reflect on the past, and to think about this future that seems so very possible. And part of it can be so full of fear and self-doubt. Who am I now? Will I be a good enough parent? Will I be able to do something as fulfilling in my career? How on earth do we raise a child in this context? The quiet moments can spark something in us and show us light. These very moments can also lead to a paralysis because of the persistent narratives we tell ourselves.
At the same time, I have felt so muddy at moments, confused as one identity has been shed for a new one. Worried about the unpredictable nature of each day. Trying to get used to all the new details in my brain about how to keep this baby boy happy, well-fed and rested.
I notice when I get to fully participate and be present in the growth of M., my heart glows brightly. For Jane the Virgin fans, I think you know what I mean;) I get to witness the spectacular development of a human being from birth onwards. What a profound miracle. I also notice when I try to perfect and create plans for my own life, I get humbled real quick by M. It's like he's forcing me to reinvent myself and think outside of the box for this next part of life. The power will be if I can just believe even though there is no clear path right now.
The Cinematic Orchestra has moved me for several years. The choice of instrumentation and the mixture of genres has allowed me to be inspired, to be introspective. I appreciate music that has the ability to make us go inside for a while. 'To Build a Home' is the classic song. The one that takes me far away.
I've listened to the track, 'Wait for Now/Leave the World' several times, but it was yesterday in one of those quiet moments where I rocked M. to sleep and finally heard the lyrics for the first time.
"Walk with me
Lead me to the light
Show me where to go
Cause I need your council, give me strength so I can be"
And in the soft light of our upstairs nursery, I heard a prayer as I listened to these words. I envisioned a person humbling themselves to a larger purpose so that they could see a truth in the silence. So beautiful.
I've been taking a woman's leadership course for the last couple of months and we have talked extensively about our inner mentor, the mentor inside of us (call it the Universe, God, our best selves) that helps us to grow. This idea of having my inner mentor lead me to the light couldn't be a more perfect image....in motherhood, in life.... This inner essence that gives us the strength to see what is possible in front of us, to see what is in front of us right now instead of giving in the reins to fear.
I'm so grateful for these quiet moments, as hard as some of them have been. They have given me truth and have forced me to discover what truly is a meaningful life. In a guided meditation recently, I discovered that I was excited about being tasked with the incredible purpose of raising M. to be a compassionate kid.
In this song, I find hope in the present and in words I know I can turn back to consistently. I'm so grateful for M., for our new family, and for these quiet moments...when I can feel deeply about the unknown & the beautiful at the same time. Where I can be shown where to go, where I can be lead to the light.
Wait for Now/Leave the World
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