A look back to look forward
15 more days left in the year 2020. Isn't that something?
When I think about this year, so many numbers come to mind.
46: the amount of times we ordered from the same exact pizza place every Friday night.
46: the amount of times I got to speak to my family every Saturday morning on WhatsApp.
5:45: the exact time our son wakes up every morning. like clockwork. his schedule was something like a divine lifeline for me.
12-15: ~15 shows I watched this year, that helped me escape this year, that brought me into totally different worlds this year.
__?__: bottles of wine we drank....some things are between God and me, right? ;)
18: 18 books I read that helped me to make sense of things on a deeper level, gave me new worlds to enter, helped me to escape. Fiction fave: Where the Crawdads Sing. YA fave: Merci Suarez Changes Gears. Nonfiction fave: Revolutionary Love.
145: 145 meals I cooked, several of which were new. Favorite: Pondicherry shrimp puffs. Favorite comfort food: Minestrone soup with garlic bread or Upma with banana. Favorite dessert: Chocolate chip cookies with dried cherries (thanks, sis!).
290ish: 290 days-ish. I spoke to my parents every single day since the lockdown began. And spoke to Anay's parents a few times per week. I wanted them to see their grandson and not feel disconnected. I wanted to make sure they were taking care of themselves. And I wanted to just feel comfort despite distance.
I don't even want to think about the amount of Zoom calls I had! But I guess if I were to draw a pathway of interconnected mosaic tiles, I certainly would to a number of friends and family I've stayed meaningfully connected to throughout the year. New text threads were created. And more consistent ones were solidified.
Other numbers are not numbers, but more of an essence.
Stay with me.
We have lost so many people to COVID-19. And the numbers continue to increase. I keep thinking of how many elders are now gone. How much wisdom we have lost. It gets to me on this DNA level. We lost my favorite uncle and Anay's Dadima last year. Everything they represented was suddenly gone. And now, massive loss around the world. It certainly makes me think about how we continue the rituals, the traditions, the ways of being that are not showy, not ego-trippin, not self-serving.
So when I look at 300,000, I see the essence of grief, exhaustion, a health care system flipped on it's head. I see what could have been instead of what happened with right kind of leadership.
When I see the numbers 8 minutes and 46 seconds. I see the essence of white supremacy, police brutality, and racial injustice. The essence of this number is heartbreaking.
The number 4 speaks to me for many reasons. Regardless of the blur of this year and how it felt like many years in one, I still mentally divided it up into different quarters (the educator in me!):
Quarter 1: Pre-covid, early months of motherhood, sleepless nights, joyful moments, exhaustion, new normals
Quarter 2: The onset of COVID and shutdowns, frontline workers busting butt, people supporting those who are giving their most to society, loss of lives, school shutdowns, business closing, people losing jobs, folks coming to their apartment windows to sing praise, more kinds of new normals
Quarter 3: George Floyd's murder, racial justice entering America's frontal cortex, heightened awareness, new societal ways of thinking. Our country divided in unspeakable ways, but our country also brought to a higher humanity.
Quarter 4: Higher COVID numbers, hospitals getting to full capacity, exhausted frontliners, exhausted kids, exhausted parents. Elections, schools still shut down. Politicians developing a backbone and standing up for democracy instead of autocracy. Quiet holidays. New traditions. Amidst all the fatigue and uncertainty, a glimmer of possibility
And based on each quarter, I was feeling something new inside of me. I think that's where these 4 songs came from. I'm grateful I got to write and compose and create this year. There was a lot inside that I needed to release. My family, my son, our rituals, and my creativity were my saving grace. And it's wild. Because every year, one of my best friends, Tasha and I choose a word. We've been doing this for over a decade. And in the beginning of 2020, the words I chose (yep, first time I chose two), were: grace and imagination. My husband and I agreed upon them too. If I were to create one narrative, I guess it would be: that imagination and possibility sustained grace. And grace allowed me to be real with my emotions and be okay with not being okay. Still learning how to do that!
I wonder what saved each one of you this year?
With that, just wanted to share my personal soundtrack for 2020. I love you all.
Signing off. Letting the numbers blur into the next two weeks. Letting myself step back, pause, and breathe as a new vaccine, a new president, and a new year begin.
"In our winter, a transformation happened. We read and worked and problem-solved and found new solutions. We changed our focus away from pushing through with normal life and towards making a new one. When everything is broken, everything is also up for grab. That's the gift of winter: it's irresistible. Change will happen in its wake, whether we like it or not. We can come out of it wearing a different coat." ~Katherine May
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